I would be lying if I didn’t tell you that one of the first things that crossed my mind when I found out I was pregnant wasn’t JOY or GRATITUDE….it was pure self centered fear about how this is going to affect my body. That is the reality of recovery from a life-threatening eating disorder. The disease doesn’t just go away while I’m out living a beautiful life of recovery….Even 5 years later, it is always there, waiting. The difference today is that it does not have the power that it once had, in fact….it has very little power at all. Although these thoughts still frequently cross my mind…I’m not controlled by them. My actions are the actions of someone who loves her body, who respects her body, and someone who honors her body. That is the gift of recovery. I do not have to act on every feeling of inadequacy or insecurity. My actions are healthy, my actions are strong, and my actions keep me from falling back through the mirror into a world of fear and dispair.
Now, am I a little nervous about how my recovery will be affected by gaining normal pregnancy weight….yeah, I am. But that is where all these years of working a program kicks in. I’m in an amazing place right now where I can be honest about being afraid, that I can discuss my fears with the women in my life that know my struggle, and I can take suggestions and hear amazing feedback from the people that love me the most. I’m not in this alone. I have a small army of recovery soldiers that are constantly surrounding me to remind me of my strength, my beauty, and the miracle that is happening inside of my body.
Speaking of MIRACLE!!!! I would have never believed in a million years that my body would be the home of a small miracle. The diseases of anorexia and bulimia abused and wrecked this body past the point of recognition, to the point of organ failure…I hated the vessel that I was forced to live in and treated it like garbage….what in the world did I do to deserve this GIFT of a tiny life growing inside my body? It blows my mind and reminds me of GRACE. It’s not something I can earn or work hard enough to receive…it is not something I can fully wrap my head around, but this baby is just one example of the power of Grace in my life today.
As much as I’ve talked about fear, I’m actually really excited about this journey that I’m on. I’m blessed to have the ability to care for my body today in a way that has never been possible for me. I’m excited to care for myself (physically, emotionally, spiritually) and this tiny life as we grow together. I’m so grateful to my program of recovery, my higher power, and my small army of women…without these things in my life I would not be the woman of worth that I am today. I’m also excited to share this journey with others as I know I am not the first woman in recovery to journey through pregnancy with fears and doubts.
I plan on continuing to workout until my baby tells me that I need to rest, I plan on continuing to eat the way that I have learned is best for my body….no matter what crazy cravings I have. I’ve found a way of life that works for me, and it has set me up to have a wonderful, fit and healthy pregnancy. My God works in mysterious ways and sent this little surprise to us at the perfect time, and I’m so thankful.